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| Taken tonight at Jericho's last preschool Christmas performance. I'm one proud momma! |
I've been a bit emotional lately. I am that crazy mom.
In three weeks we are starting a new phase in our life. Yesterday
was Jericho's orientation for Junior Kindergarten. It's a new program
for kids who turned five in December and were not able to start
transitional kindergarten this past September. As the principal was
talking to us she said, "this is harder for the parents than it is for
the students." And just like that the tears wouldn't stop. It's
true, the saying, "it goes too fast, enjoy it while you can." The person
who reminded me of that so many times is now on the other side of
heaven. There isn't a day that goes by that I don't miss my sweet momma,
especially during days like these when I wish I could talk to her and ask
her, "were you this sad when I started kindergarten? Is this normal?"
It
seems so silly to be sad. "They are only here for four hours, and then
they will be back home again," is what the principal said. But what this
really is, the beginning of school, is the beginning of a new life. You
see, when I became a mom, I struggled with letting go of my career and
being home with my baby. I loved my job. The work I did was life giving
to me and something I deeply enjoyed. I came to a crossroads once
Jericho was born. The minute I saw my baby, the one who had been in my
tummy for 35 weeks, and felt my heartbeat, I knew that there was nothing
that could keep me away from him. And though I loved my job, I knew
that the desire to be with Jericho every second possible was more.
I
continued working until Jericho was ten months old. I felt the mommy
guilt. I was torn. I wanted to be a full time mommy but didn't want to
give up my job. After ten months James and I decided that it was time
for me to be home with Jericho. There would always be time for me to go
back to work. Exactly a week after I resigned, we found out that I was
pregnant with Karis. At that time I remember thinking, God's timing is
perfect.
Since then I have struggled with the idea that no one
will ever hire me again because I've "just been a stay at home mom."
I've struggled with my identity because I am not accomplishing tasks or
finishing projects or making even a penny. And now, just like that, life
is changing and my role as a momma is changing. My time of being a stay
at home mom is coming to an end. I'm coming to the the realization that
my baby is no longer a baby, while knowing in my heart that he will
always be my baby, no matter how old he is. I accept the truth, "it goes
too fast, enjoy it while you can."
For me being a mom is
the most fulfilling and life giving thing that I have ever experienced. I
realize that the breastfeeding every two hours ends after a couple of
months. The sleepless nights, though during the time seems like they
will NEVER end, eventually do. And as one of my mom friends who has
grown children has told me, they are all potty trained before they go to
college. This whole thing, of being that person who does
every single thing for my baby, is coming to an end.
And
tonight, as I tuck my boy in bed and say prayers with him that he
doesn't have any nightmares, I tell him how proud of him I am and that
I love him forever and ever (amen). I cover his face with kisses, and
snuggle him just long enough for him to tell me to stop because I'm
making him too hot. I study his face and see how his silky straight hair
falls so perfectly on his forehead, while his eyes flutter because he's
falling asleep. I will myself to enjoy it while I can. It is going way
too fast. And I thank God for giving me this sweet sweet boy to love
every day for the rest of my life.
