It's been a hard year, the hardest year and ten months of my life, but God has given me so much peace and comfort. This has been a hard year for many of us. Loss of jobs, loss of homes, loss of loved ones, and the list goes on. Five months ago, I lost the rock in my life, my dad lost his wife of 34 years, my sister lost her mom, and my children lost their nanay. It's amazing how it still doesn't seem real. It still feels as if she is still here.
The greatest gifts my mom gave me was her joy, zeal for life, love for me, and her braveness. My mom loved hard, forgave so much, and truly lived her life. When she was diagnosed with cancer she told me, I may have cancer, but cancer doesn't have me. She loved God. She placed her trust in Him. And until the day she died she loved with her entire life. Everything she did was for others. Especially for my dad, me, my sister, and my children.
Because of the closeness that my mom and I shared, my mom's death was the one thing I never thought I could survive. But time and time again God has comforted me, given me peace and joy even though I thought it was impossible.
In Psalm 136 it says 26 times that God's love endures forever. No matter what hardship, disappointment, sadness, or trial we face, the one thing we have certainty in is that His love endures forever. There is nothing that can separate us from the love of God.
None of us knows what tomorrow brings. We are not guaranteed anything in life, except that if we know the Lord, he will fill all of those places that are hurting and afraid. We also know that this world is not the end. That when we die, if we have a relationship with him, we will be with him in heaven and my mom and I will be together again. I cannot wait for that.
As we anticipate the end of this year, and the newness of 2012, I am thankful for God's love for me. No matter what we go through--good or bad, His love never fails. His love endures forever.
Saturday, December 31, 2011
Thursday, December 22, 2011
The Best Christmas My Mom Has Ever Had
I found a journal entry I wrote exactly a year ago today. Coincidentally, the picture of me and the kids with my mom, on the blog header, was our taken during ourlast Christmas together last year. What I wrote below makes me realize how much more every single day is a gift. We do not know what the future holds for any of us. God didn’t answer my prayer as I begged him to. But as my mother-in-law told me the other day, a week after she lost her sister to a year long battle with cancer, “They are in a better place than us, walking on the streets of gold.”
If you are still blessed to have your mom (or dad) with you here on earth, please celebrate with her this Christmas the blessing she is to you and all she has done for you. And, I will continue to thank God for giving me an amazing momma, for me to love and cherish for 33 years here on earth.
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December 22, 2010 1230am
Hilton, San Diego, CA
I don't want to forget this day for a really long time. We are on vacation in San Diego with mom, dad, Boogs, and the kids. It is an awful time to be in San Diego. The weather is rainy and no sunshine in sight. This is not typical of San Diego. Usually it is beautiful. It hurts to be here. I still want to live here, but with my mom near me too. Jesus please bring us back to San Diego one day.
We just found out that mom's cancer may have spread. I want to enjoy every day that I can with her. I don't want to forget her smile, her laugh, the way she keeps me from sleeping because her snoring is like a lawnmower right in my ear. You would never know that she is worried or sad. She is too busy being my mom, being Nanay to my kids. She is making sure that we are ok, that we are not worried about her or sad. But the truth is that all I think about is her getting better, how much I already miss her, how much I am mourning that my children will never know her like I did. They may not even remember her and all we'll have are memories of her. And all I’ll want, is my mom.
Jesus please heal her. Please provide a miracle for us. Please help her not to suffer and to really live the last of her days here on earth. Please fill her life with joy and peace. Please help me to love her and enjoy every minute with her. Jesus please give us amazing memories. Please help me to soak in every piece of her. Please fill our days with times that we will never ever forget. Jesus please provide a miracle for us.
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Till we meet again, momma. I can’t wait to rejoice with you on the streets of gold. I know you’re having the best Christmas you’ve ever had.
If you are still blessed to have your mom (or dad) with you here on earth, please celebrate with her this Christmas the blessing she is to you and all she has done for you. And, I will continue to thank God for giving me an amazing momma, for me to love and cherish for 33 years here on earth.
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December 22, 2010 1230am
Hilton, San Diego, CA
I don't want to forget this day for a really long time. We are on vacation in San Diego with mom, dad, Boogs, and the kids. It is an awful time to be in San Diego. The weather is rainy and no sunshine in sight. This is not typical of San Diego. Usually it is beautiful. It hurts to be here. I still want to live here, but with my mom near me too. Jesus please bring us back to San Diego one day.
We just found out that mom's cancer may have spread. I want to enjoy every day that I can with her. I don't want to forget her smile, her laugh, the way she keeps me from sleeping because her snoring is like a lawnmower right in my ear. You would never know that she is worried or sad. She is too busy being my mom, being Nanay to my kids. She is making sure that we are ok, that we are not worried about her or sad. But the truth is that all I think about is her getting better, how much I already miss her, how much I am mourning that my children will never know her like I did. They may not even remember her and all we'll have are memories of her. And all I’ll want, is my mom.
Jesus please heal her. Please provide a miracle for us. Please help her not to suffer and to really live the last of her days here on earth. Please fill her life with joy and peace. Please help me to love her and enjoy every minute with her. Jesus please give us amazing memories. Please help me to soak in every piece of her. Please fill our days with times that we will never ever forget. Jesus please provide a miracle for us.
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Till we meet again, momma. I can’t wait to rejoice with you on the streets of gold. I know you’re having the best Christmas you’ve ever had.
Thursday, December 8, 2011
Jericho's Prayer
Most of the time I talk about how God knew I needed to have Karis. My baby girl, the one who I can have, especially during the times I miss my mom the very most. But tonight I am reminded why God knew that I had to have Jericho. For the last month or so, Jericho has been saying the prayer before we have dinner. His usual prayer is thanking God for his trains and cars and all the people close to his heart. But tonight it was different. His prayer went like this, "Jesus, we thank you for mommy and daddy. Jesus, I thank you for mommy and I want to hug her. Amen."
This boy says the CUTEST things and I try very hard not to correct him THAT much. Sometimes I try to remind him that we should thank Jesus for our food too, but that night James and I just looked at each other and smiled. Later that night, James was teasing me because he said that Jericho just melted my heart by what he said in his prayer, especially because he is a momma's boy. I got to thinking, and it made me realize how much Jericho loved me. In his pure and innocent love, he reminded me so much of how I loved my mom. From the second I can remember, I loved my mom. Everyone would always tell me how much I never wanted to be away from her. I remember when my mom had to have surgery when I was five years old, and you might as well have taken her from me forever. That week of being away from her was like ripping my heart out. I still remember sobbing and sobbing when I couldn't see her. I stayed with my grandparents that week and my grandma gave me an EKG sticker that was on my mom, that I placed on a piece of paper so I could hug it, and that was the only way I could fall asleep. It's so funny how that memory, from 28 years ago, still resonates deep in my heart of the longing I had for my mom.
My mom was my biggest cheerleader, advocate, closest friend. She made me feel like I was priceless. Irreplaceable. Loved. When she died she took a piece of me with her. Through my relationship with her, I learned what it meant to be loved unconditionally, how to be nurtured. How to be protected. I never understood the depth of her love for me. Now that I am a mom, I can understand the fierceness in how a mother loves her children.
A few months ago, one of my best friends and I started a bible study, by Beth Moore, called Breaking Free. This study has completely changed my life. God knew that I needed to be in his word and soaking in his truth, especially during this season of life.
One of the truths that was revealed to me in this study shook me to my core. Here is the passage as she quotes from an amazing man, Oswald Chambers.
--------------------------
Our soul's history with God is frequently the history of the "passing of the hero." Over and over again God has to remove our friends in order to bring Himself in their place, and that is where we faint and flail and get discouraged. Take it personally: In the year that the one who stood to me for all that God was, died--I gave up everything? I became ill? I got disheartened? Or-- I saw the Lord?
It must be God first, God second, and God third, until the life is faced steadily with God and no one else is of any account whatever. "In all the world there is none but thee, my God, there is none but thee."
--------------------------
My mom was and always will be my hero. What got me was when Oswald Chambers says, "In the year that the one who stood to me for all that God was, died--I gave up everything? I became ill? I got disheartened? Or-- I saw the Lord?" and truly, I want to say that when my mom died, the one who stood to me for ALL that God was, I saw the Lord. It is hard. It is painful. Sometimes I just want lie in bed and sleep, and just be sad, but because of my babies, I get up every morning, make sure they are fed, and loved, and nurtured, and KNOW without a doubt that they are one of the greatest gifts and blessings God has ever given me, just as my mom showed me.
Another thing that I have been thinking about is how I don't ever want to be the one who stood for God to my children. My mom never intended that to be, but my mom what God in the flesh for me. My love and dependence on her was so strong because of her ever perfect way of loving me, the best that she could. My mom and I had gone through hell and back together, not in our relationship with each other, but in the things that we went through, together.
Though I pray that my babies love me, and know that I love them so deeply, I LONG for them to have their reliance on Jesus. I long for them to place their hopes and dreams on Him, because He is the only one who can fulfill all of the dark, lonely, and hard places of our souls. He is the only one who will never let us down, and He is the only one who will love us despite all our ugliness.
Especially since I know my Jericho loves me in such an endearing way, I have made it a point to try to let him know that God loves him so much more than I ever could. There was one day that he was crying for about twenty minutes, because in his two year old world, the worst thing that could ever happen to him every day is that he has to take a nap. The most loving thing that I could think of to say to him was that I loved him so much. But it hit me, my words and actions need to start now. He needs to know that no matter how much I love him, the only one who could ever love him more than me is Jesus. So now I say to him, "Jericho mommy loves you the most in the world, but do you know who loves you more?" and his ever so emphatic response is, "Jesus!" I hope one day he realizes the truth of those words. That me, as his mommy will love him the most that is humanly possible. But the truth is that no matter what, the only one who can love him perfectly, flawlessly, and without fail, is Jesus.
Oh, how I am so grateful to God for my mom. How she loved me the most that was humanly possible for her, and how she made sure, in the most possible way she could, that I loved God too. And though difficult for me to accept at times, only He can fill the void of her in my life. But how beautiful, how my mom's legacy of love and faith in God, has been the greatest inheritance that she has passed down to me, and now to the best of my capacity, will passed down as an inheritance to my children as well.
This boy says the CUTEST things and I try very hard not to correct him THAT much. Sometimes I try to remind him that we should thank Jesus for our food too, but that night James and I just looked at each other and smiled. Later that night, James was teasing me because he said that Jericho just melted my heart by what he said in his prayer, especially because he is a momma's boy. I got to thinking, and it made me realize how much Jericho loved me. In his pure and innocent love, he reminded me so much of how I loved my mom. From the second I can remember, I loved my mom. Everyone would always tell me how much I never wanted to be away from her. I remember when my mom had to have surgery when I was five years old, and you might as well have taken her from me forever. That week of being away from her was like ripping my heart out. I still remember sobbing and sobbing when I couldn't see her. I stayed with my grandparents that week and my grandma gave me an EKG sticker that was on my mom, that I placed on a piece of paper so I could hug it, and that was the only way I could fall asleep. It's so funny how that memory, from 28 years ago, still resonates deep in my heart of the longing I had for my mom.
My mom was my biggest cheerleader, advocate, closest friend. She made me feel like I was priceless. Irreplaceable. Loved. When she died she took a piece of me with her. Through my relationship with her, I learned what it meant to be loved unconditionally, how to be nurtured. How to be protected. I never understood the depth of her love for me. Now that I am a mom, I can understand the fierceness in how a mother loves her children.
A few months ago, one of my best friends and I started a bible study, by Beth Moore, called Breaking Free. This study has completely changed my life. God knew that I needed to be in his word and soaking in his truth, especially during this season of life.
One of the truths that was revealed to me in this study shook me to my core. Here is the passage as she quotes from an amazing man, Oswald Chambers.
--------------------------
Our soul's history with God is frequently the history of the "passing of the hero." Over and over again God has to remove our friends in order to bring Himself in their place, and that is where we faint and flail and get discouraged. Take it personally: In the year that the one who stood to me for all that God was, died--I gave up everything? I became ill? I got disheartened? Or-- I saw the Lord?
It must be God first, God second, and God third, until the life is faced steadily with God and no one else is of any account whatever. "In all the world there is none but thee, my God, there is none but thee."
--------------------------
My mom was and always will be my hero. What got me was when Oswald Chambers says, "In the year that the one who stood to me for all that God was, died--I gave up everything? I became ill? I got disheartened? Or-- I saw the Lord?" and truly, I want to say that when my mom died, the one who stood to me for ALL that God was, I saw the Lord. It is hard. It is painful. Sometimes I just want lie in bed and sleep, and just be sad, but because of my babies, I get up every morning, make sure they are fed, and loved, and nurtured, and KNOW without a doubt that they are one of the greatest gifts and blessings God has ever given me, just as my mom showed me.
Another thing that I have been thinking about is how I don't ever want to be the one who stood for God to my children. My mom never intended that to be, but my mom what God in the flesh for me. My love and dependence on her was so strong because of her ever perfect way of loving me, the best that she could. My mom and I had gone through hell and back together, not in our relationship with each other, but in the things that we went through, together.
Though I pray that my babies love me, and know that I love them so deeply, I LONG for them to have their reliance on Jesus. I long for them to place their hopes and dreams on Him, because He is the only one who can fulfill all of the dark, lonely, and hard places of our souls. He is the only one who will never let us down, and He is the only one who will love us despite all our ugliness.
Especially since I know my Jericho loves me in such an endearing way, I have made it a point to try to let him know that God loves him so much more than I ever could. There was one day that he was crying for about twenty minutes, because in his two year old world, the worst thing that could ever happen to him every day is that he has to take a nap. The most loving thing that I could think of to say to him was that I loved him so much. But it hit me, my words and actions need to start now. He needs to know that no matter how much I love him, the only one who could ever love him more than me is Jesus. So now I say to him, "Jericho mommy loves you the most in the world, but do you know who loves you more?" and his ever so emphatic response is, "Jesus!" I hope one day he realizes the truth of those words. That me, as his mommy will love him the most that is humanly possible. But the truth is that no matter what, the only one who can love him perfectly, flawlessly, and without fail, is Jesus.
Oh, how I am so grateful to God for my mom. How she loved me the most that was humanly possible for her, and how she made sure, in the most possible way she could, that I loved God too. And though difficult for me to accept at times, only He can fill the void of her in my life. But how beautiful, how my mom's legacy of love and faith in God, has been the greatest inheritance that she has passed down to me, and now to the best of my capacity, will passed down as an inheritance to my children as well.
Thursday, November 10, 2011
Time Heals All Wounds
They say time heals all wounds. And I really hope this is true. It's been four months exactly since my mom has been gone and I can't say it's any easier. If anything it seems as it gets harder and harder. It gets longer and longer since the last time I saw her, gave her a hug, told her I love her, saw the joy in her eyes and the happiness in my babies eyes when they were with her. I think that's what I mourn the most. I will mourn my children never knowing what an amazing grandma she was and how much she loved them. She always wanted to be a grandma. In fact, almost every second since we got married all she wanted was to have grandchildren. And for the 4 1/2 years before Jericho was born, believe me, she didn't hesitate to let me know how much I needed to have kids:)
Tonight we came back from our third trip to Hawaii together. The first time was right before we knew that we were going to be moving to San Diego for James to go to grad school. We went to Hawaii so we could check out Hawaii Pacific University. That was the first school to accept him. It was also his birthday so it was an even better excuse to go to Hawaii. The second time was a little bit over a year after he graduated from his MBA and Masters in Nursing programs and Jericho was 10 months old. No one else knew, but we were on our babymoon. I was a month pregnant with Karis and we were planning on telling our parents when we returned from Hawaii.
The really funny thing is that I would always joke with my parents and James' parents about getting pregnant right away after Jericho was born. I guess the joke was on me when I got pregnant when Jericho was nine months old. We decided to tell our parents the night we flew in from Hawaii. We stopped by James' parents house first. They were shocked. They always warned us to wait between kids because of how hard it is to have babies so close together. Of course they were happy but we could tell they were thinking..."what are you guys thinking??" They are always so supportive of us and they told us they were happy, but we could see the fear in their eyes too:)
Next, we went to my parents house. It was just past midnight and their only grandchild was coming to see them so of course they were awake. We had Jericho tell them he was going to be a big brother while wearing his Halloween costume....a kangaroo with it's baby in it's pouch. We told them that he was carrying his baby just like mommy was. My mom's reaction was so classic, my mom. "Are you serious??" was all she could say. Then the obvious question, "are you pregnant?? Are you kidding??" We would laugh about it afterwards, but even our planning, or lack of planning, wasn't going to stop God's plans.
Karis was the girl I always wanted. I was thrilled when I found out she was a girl. Since I had such a close bond to my mom, I always envisioned having s daughter in hopes that we would share a closeness like I did with my mom.
God knew that I needed Karis. His timing was perfect for when I got pregnant. Mom was able to meet her. My mom called Karis her replacement, and my mom got to spend the first year of Karis' life with her. Mom was there a few hours after Karis was born. In between her chemos she would come and visit us in San Diego or we would come up and visit her. We got to move back to Pasadena for seven months before mom had to go and we spent EVERY possible second we could together. We went on trips to Santa Barbara, San Diego, and Las Vegas during those seven months. And mom was there celebrating with us the day that Karis was dedicated to the Lord. All the while, that entire year of Karis' first year of life, my mom had cancer. She went through chemotherapy, radiation, surgery, and then chemotherapy for almost ten more months after all of what she already endured. And then went to be home with the Lord almost a month exactly after Karis' fist birthday.
I've heard the quote, "Everybody dies. Not everybody lives." And I am reminded of my mom when I think about this quote. Though my mom had cancer, you would have NEVER known. She was so positive. She was so hopeful. She watched my kids the night before she went to the hospital so James and I could have a date night. She didn't allow cancer to take away her life.
No wonder I was missing my mom so much more tonight. The last time we came back from Hawaii, we went to share with my mom the amazing news. It's really ironic how our memories have such ways of reminding us about things that sometimes we want to forget. On the flight home, during one of the movies I watched someone said, "All I remember are the good memories, and those are the worse kinds."
I still can't believe she's gone. I miss her every second of the day. They say time heals all wounds. It’s going to take a lot of time to heal this wound, but God is so incredibly faithful. “He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds.” - Psalm 147:3
Thank you, Jesus for your promises. I will trust you no matter what.
Tonight we came back from our third trip to Hawaii together. The first time was right before we knew that we were going to be moving to San Diego for James to go to grad school. We went to Hawaii so we could check out Hawaii Pacific University. That was the first school to accept him. It was also his birthday so it was an even better excuse to go to Hawaii. The second time was a little bit over a year after he graduated from his MBA and Masters in Nursing programs and Jericho was 10 months old. No one else knew, but we were on our babymoon. I was a month pregnant with Karis and we were planning on telling our parents when we returned from Hawaii.
The really funny thing is that I would always joke with my parents and James' parents about getting pregnant right away after Jericho was born. I guess the joke was on me when I got pregnant when Jericho was nine months old. We decided to tell our parents the night we flew in from Hawaii. We stopped by James' parents house first. They were shocked. They always warned us to wait between kids because of how hard it is to have babies so close together. Of course they were happy but we could tell they were thinking..."what are you guys thinking??" They are always so supportive of us and they told us they were happy, but we could see the fear in their eyes too:)
Next, we went to my parents house. It was just past midnight and their only grandchild was coming to see them so of course they were awake. We had Jericho tell them he was going to be a big brother while wearing his Halloween costume....a kangaroo with it's baby in it's pouch. We told them that he was carrying his baby just like mommy was. My mom's reaction was so classic, my mom. "Are you serious??" was all she could say. Then the obvious question, "are you pregnant?? Are you kidding??" We would laugh about it afterwards, but even our planning, or lack of planning, wasn't going to stop God's plans.
Karis was the girl I always wanted. I was thrilled when I found out she was a girl. Since I had such a close bond to my mom, I always envisioned having s daughter in hopes that we would share a closeness like I did with my mom.
God knew that I needed Karis. His timing was perfect for when I got pregnant. Mom was able to meet her. My mom called Karis her replacement, and my mom got to spend the first year of Karis' life with her. Mom was there a few hours after Karis was born. In between her chemos she would come and visit us in San Diego or we would come up and visit her. We got to move back to Pasadena for seven months before mom had to go and we spent EVERY possible second we could together. We went on trips to Santa Barbara, San Diego, and Las Vegas during those seven months. And mom was there celebrating with us the day that Karis was dedicated to the Lord. All the while, that entire year of Karis' first year of life, my mom had cancer. She went through chemotherapy, radiation, surgery, and then chemotherapy for almost ten more months after all of what she already endured. And then went to be home with the Lord almost a month exactly after Karis' fist birthday.
I've heard the quote, "Everybody dies. Not everybody lives." And I am reminded of my mom when I think about this quote. Though my mom had cancer, you would have NEVER known. She was so positive. She was so hopeful. She watched my kids the night before she went to the hospital so James and I could have a date night. She didn't allow cancer to take away her life.
No wonder I was missing my mom so much more tonight. The last time we came back from Hawaii, we went to share with my mom the amazing news. It's really ironic how our memories have such ways of reminding us about things that sometimes we want to forget. On the flight home, during one of the movies I watched someone said, "All I remember are the good memories, and those are the worse kinds."
I still can't believe she's gone. I miss her every second of the day. They say time heals all wounds. It’s going to take a lot of time to heal this wound, but God is so incredibly faithful. “He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds.” - Psalm 147:3
Thank you, Jesus for your promises. I will trust you no matter what.
Thursday, September 29, 2011
My Drug of Choice
This morning was a complete blur. You would have thought that I was drugged with the illegal type. Last night I started getting the sniffles. The kind that doesn't let you breathe properly when lying down. I decided that I wasn't going to go to sleep at my normal sleeping hour, around 1 or 2am. For one night this week, or should I say one night since February 22, 2010, I was going to take medicine to help me sleep, and not replay in my mind over and over what could be different, if my mom was still here, and what could've been done so that she didn't have to have cancer. I know I sound crazy, but for the last 19 months, I've had a hard time going to sleep because of my thoughts that don't turn off.
All this to say, all heck broke loose, my kids were screaming their heads off and going crazy for an hour before I had any recollection of the fact that I am mom. When mommy is sick, the world continues. Moms have no time to be sick. Thank God, my cousin was here and watched dinosaur train and gave Jericho milk so that I could stay in my unconscious splendor for another hour. I finally woke up at 8:30 because the screaming alarm clock wouldn't stop. I got out of bed, still lost in the cloudiness of Tylenol PM and carried my sweet Karis and placed her in my lap. My cousin walked into Karis’ room and explained the past hour to me. I'm sure I looked crazy...out of it. He asked me what drugs I took...I responded slowly, "T-y-l-e-n-o-l P-M." I was out of it. Really out of it. I couldn't even imagine myself on the illegal drugs. SCARY. And I thank God for keeping me away from them in high school. Many, many years ago I had some friends that had the goal of getting me get into it with them. I know that with my type of personality, if I would have given in, it really would have destroyed my life.
Yesterday was the first day of MOPS. I can't say enough about MOPS, and what an amazing blessing it has been to me this past year. The speaker talked about faithfulness and asked us to think about what was hindering us from being faithful.
A culmination of different conversations, a recent argument with the hubby, exhaustion, and sleepless nights came together and confirmed: BUSYNESS.
I have always been a busy person. For those of you who know strengthfinders my number one strength is arranger. In layman’s terms it means multi-tasker and living passionately and striving when being able to live this way.
I don't know why this surprised me. Or why it took me ALL these years to accept. In high school I was involved in everything possible ASB, cheerleading, choir, clubs I was president of, because God forbid I couldn't just be a part of something. Committees, fundraisers, oh dear God it makes me tired just typing this. In college I was a Nursing Major. Nursing majors had the reputation of being the people you went to school with for four years and no one knew because they were always so busy studying. But to no surprise I was in choir, a resident advisor, and I prided myself when people were surprised that I was a nursing major.
This "strength" has always driven my husband crazy. The detriment of this strength for me is that when things get hard, I delve even more into busyness. Busyness is my drug of choice. The thing that numbs the pain and helps me to forget what I don't want to remember, until the night comes, everyone is asleep, and the only person I am left with is myself. Which is why, even though my children sleep so amazingly, 10-12 hours to be exact, since Karis has been a baby, I still have sleepless nights.
The day my mom died I told James, "It's time for me to go back to work." Right away I contacted my previous company and told them that I was ready. I was ready to take on new projects. I started emailing around inquiring about jobs that I heard about. Retrospectively, I was looking for something to fill the void and numb away the pain of losing my mom.
A few weeks ago the routine of September began. Mommy and me preschool Monday and Tuesday, MOPS (and being a part of leadership) on Wednesday, Positive Parenting Class on Thursday, Bible study with two of my best friends at the crack of dawn on Friday morning. We are scheduled every single day, not to mention taking care of my children, feeding them a decent meal, getting a couple of showers in sometime during the week, the normal taking care of my family and my own life, having a decent relationship with my husband, and taking care of my mom’s affairs. I was beginning to feel a little run down. Did I mention that I'm a part of the women’s ministry at church, and working on starting a new ministry? No wonder I'm exhausted.
Yesterday I started to accept the fact that my busyness, my lifelong coping mechanism, was starting to wear on me and my kids AND my husband.
This morning we stayed home. I didn't rush out the door to our scheduled activity. The kids and I stayed in our PJs until after 1pm. I was able to have a phone conversation with a dear friend who has been encouraging me in my marriage and with my blogging. I got to tell her how thankful I am that we were able to become friends because she sought me out because I "wear make-up."
I had a great conversation with my aunt who I needed to talk to about my mom. We talked about how it still doesn't seem real even though it has already been two months and we were there with her when she took her last breath. We talked about how much we miss her and how I wish things were different.
At 10:30am, my sister, who is a teacher, called me. She was on her way home from school. She lost her voice. I convinced her to come sleep at my house, so that we could be together.
If I continued to succumb to my drug of choice, even though my kids are sick and exhausted, I would've missed out on two very needed conversations this morning. My sister wouldn't have come over to sleep at my house, and I would continue to be crazy and busy and numb to the pain of not having my mom's presence in my life.
One day of being home with my thoughts, my messy house (because we are actually home to ransack it), and the ability to rest, has helped my soul to continue to mend and be present in my children's lives, and to those around me.
So starting today I will be more purposeful, in what I choose to do and choose not to do, and know that it will take time. It will take lots of time to heal from missing my mom so much, but it is ok. I will try to not fill the sadness with busyness anymore. I know it will take time to overcome this addiction of busyness. But through God’s help, and the grace of those around me, I will get through this.
All this to say, all heck broke loose, my kids were screaming their heads off and going crazy for an hour before I had any recollection of the fact that I am mom. When mommy is sick, the world continues. Moms have no time to be sick. Thank God, my cousin was here and watched dinosaur train and gave Jericho milk so that I could stay in my unconscious splendor for another hour. I finally woke up at 8:30 because the screaming alarm clock wouldn't stop. I got out of bed, still lost in the cloudiness of Tylenol PM and carried my sweet Karis and placed her in my lap. My cousin walked into Karis’ room and explained the past hour to me. I'm sure I looked crazy...out of it. He asked me what drugs I took...I responded slowly, "T-y-l-e-n-o-l P-M." I was out of it. Really out of it. I couldn't even imagine myself on the illegal drugs. SCARY. And I thank God for keeping me away from them in high school. Many, many years ago I had some friends that had the goal of getting me get into it with them. I know that with my type of personality, if I would have given in, it really would have destroyed my life.
Yesterday was the first day of MOPS. I can't say enough about MOPS, and what an amazing blessing it has been to me this past year. The speaker talked about faithfulness and asked us to think about what was hindering us from being faithful.
A culmination of different conversations, a recent argument with the hubby, exhaustion, and sleepless nights came together and confirmed: BUSYNESS.
I have always been a busy person. For those of you who know strengthfinders my number one strength is arranger. In layman’s terms it means multi-tasker and living passionately and striving when being able to live this way.
I don't know why this surprised me. Or why it took me ALL these years to accept. In high school I was involved in everything possible ASB, cheerleading, choir, clubs I was president of, because God forbid I couldn't just be a part of something. Committees, fundraisers, oh dear God it makes me tired just typing this. In college I was a Nursing Major. Nursing majors had the reputation of being the people you went to school with for four years and no one knew because they were always so busy studying. But to no surprise I was in choir, a resident advisor, and I prided myself when people were surprised that I was a nursing major.
This "strength" has always driven my husband crazy. The detriment of this strength for me is that when things get hard, I delve even more into busyness. Busyness is my drug of choice. The thing that numbs the pain and helps me to forget what I don't want to remember, until the night comes, everyone is asleep, and the only person I am left with is myself. Which is why, even though my children sleep so amazingly, 10-12 hours to be exact, since Karis has been a baby, I still have sleepless nights.
The day my mom died I told James, "It's time for me to go back to work." Right away I contacted my previous company and told them that I was ready. I was ready to take on new projects. I started emailing around inquiring about jobs that I heard about. Retrospectively, I was looking for something to fill the void and numb away the pain of losing my mom.
A few weeks ago the routine of September began. Mommy and me preschool Monday and Tuesday, MOPS (and being a part of leadership) on Wednesday, Positive Parenting Class on Thursday, Bible study with two of my best friends at the crack of dawn on Friday morning. We are scheduled every single day, not to mention taking care of my children, feeding them a decent meal, getting a couple of showers in sometime during the week, the normal taking care of my family and my own life, having a decent relationship with my husband, and taking care of my mom’s affairs. I was beginning to feel a little run down. Did I mention that I'm a part of the women’s ministry at church, and working on starting a new ministry? No wonder I'm exhausted.
Yesterday I started to accept the fact that my busyness, my lifelong coping mechanism, was starting to wear on me and my kids AND my husband.
This morning we stayed home. I didn't rush out the door to our scheduled activity. The kids and I stayed in our PJs until after 1pm. I was able to have a phone conversation with a dear friend who has been encouraging me in my marriage and with my blogging. I got to tell her how thankful I am that we were able to become friends because she sought me out because I "wear make-up."
I had a great conversation with my aunt who I needed to talk to about my mom. We talked about how it still doesn't seem real even though it has already been two months and we were there with her when she took her last breath. We talked about how much we miss her and how I wish things were different.
At 10:30am, my sister, who is a teacher, called me. She was on her way home from school. She lost her voice. I convinced her to come sleep at my house, so that we could be together.
If I continued to succumb to my drug of choice, even though my kids are sick and exhausted, I would've missed out on two very needed conversations this morning. My sister wouldn't have come over to sleep at my house, and I would continue to be crazy and busy and numb to the pain of not having my mom's presence in my life.
One day of being home with my thoughts, my messy house (because we are actually home to ransack it), and the ability to rest, has helped my soul to continue to mend and be present in my children's lives, and to those around me.
So starting today I will be more purposeful, in what I choose to do and choose not to do, and know that it will take time. It will take lots of time to heal from missing my mom so much, but it is ok. I will try to not fill the sadness with busyness anymore. I know it will take time to overcome this addiction of busyness. But through God’s help, and the grace of those around me, I will get through this.
Monday, September 12, 2011
How to Live with Cancer
If I’m being completely honest, I want to rip down every Colon Canswer, Prostate Canswer, and Breast Canswer billboard I see when I’m driving down the freeway. The truth is that the particular hospital that displays these billboards does not have all of the answers about cancer. I cringe every time I see them because they give such false hope to people battling this horrid disease. Two and a half weeks before my mom died, she had an appointment for a second opinion with this hospital. The doctor she met with told her that she could try the last chemo that she was on and all he could recommend was hospice.
I was there with my mom during that appointment, and her response was, “We just have to pray that this one works.” I was speechless. I felt like I got kicked in the throat. I could not get any words out of my mouth.
You see, through the 17 months that my mom knew she had cancer; she lived with so much grace and courage. To this day I do not understand how she never broke down or got angry. Maybe she did in the quiet of her own soul, but never outwardly did I see her anger.
Since the minute she was diagnosed her response was always the same. “I’m not scared. I know where I am going. He can take me any time.”
I hated when she said that because I WAS NOT READY. Didn’t she want to see my kids grow up? Didn’t she want to be with us for as long as she could? We were just starting a brand new phase in life. We just moved back from San Diego so that the kids and I could spend time doing all of the things that daughters and grandchildren do with their mom and grandmother.
The thing about my mom is that she had an eternal perspective. God was close to her, she never stopped praying. And even though I prayed and BEGGED for God to heal her, He decided to heal her in a different way.
My mom’s faith was secure. She did not have any regrets in life. She was steadfast in her hope in the Lord. She had peace. She loved God. And she was ready to be with Him when He was ready for her.
Unfortunately, He was ready before I could ever be.
God forbid I ever have this horrible disease. But if I do, I have an amazing example of someone who lived with grace, love, and hope during the hardest time of her life.
Thank you, mom for loving God and trusting Him with your life. I have a lot to live up to.
I was there with my mom during that appointment, and her response was, “We just have to pray that this one works.” I was speechless. I felt like I got kicked in the throat. I could not get any words out of my mouth.
You see, through the 17 months that my mom knew she had cancer; she lived with so much grace and courage. To this day I do not understand how she never broke down or got angry. Maybe she did in the quiet of her own soul, but never outwardly did I see her anger.
Since the minute she was diagnosed her response was always the same. “I’m not scared. I know where I am going. He can take me any time.”
I hated when she said that because I WAS NOT READY. Didn’t she want to see my kids grow up? Didn’t she want to be with us for as long as she could? We were just starting a brand new phase in life. We just moved back from San Diego so that the kids and I could spend time doing all of the things that daughters and grandchildren do with their mom and grandmother.
The thing about my mom is that she had an eternal perspective. God was close to her, she never stopped praying. And even though I prayed and BEGGED for God to heal her, He decided to heal her in a different way.
My mom’s faith was secure. She did not have any regrets in life. She was steadfast in her hope in the Lord. She had peace. She loved God. And she was ready to be with Him when He was ready for her.
Unfortunately, He was ready before I could ever be.
God forbid I ever have this horrible disease. But if I do, I have an amazing example of someone who lived with grace, love, and hope during the hardest time of her life.
Thank you, mom for loving God and trusting Him with your life. I have a lot to live up to.
Thursday, August 18, 2011
Potty training and missing my mom
It's hard for me to believe that last week marked a month since my mom has been gone. People who have lost a parent too have told me that it will always seem like they just lost their mom or dad. Sometimes I just long to hear her voice again and have a conversation with her about nothing in particular. Sometimes I just want to call her cell phone and leave a message for her just to feel like she's still here.
But reality is hard.
It was especially hard last week when my babies hit two big milestones. And I just wanted to call her like I normally would and tell her the updates. She would always be so happy and excited for them. Just last week Jericho technically started to potty train himself. I've heard of kids doing that before, but I never believed it. He is 2 1/2 and I know a lot of boys that are potty trained already. My mom would always tell me, "Potty train him, it's easy." My response was always, "No, we have too much going on, it's too hard."
I would do all the things that people tell you to do to get them ready for peeing in the big boy toilet. Jericho watches his daddy go pee pee, he watches the potty training Elmo video, he has a toddler toilet that he sits on while he's watching the Elmo pee pee DVD, and I would always ask him, "Jericho, wanna pee pee in the big boy toilet?"
Until last Tuesday the answer was always, "No, mommy." I would never push him. I just figured when he was ready he would let me know. Really, I've just been so overwhelmed with everything, our move back to LA; James having a new job, having Karis, and mom being sick, that potty training was the last thing I wanted to worry about. But last Tuesday morning was a little different that usual mornings. Jericho usually comes running into my room and yells at the top of his lungs, "Mommy, wake up! Mommy, get out of bed!" And this morning he said, "Mommy, Jericho go pee pee in the big toilet." I jumped up and we ran to the toilet. Jericho officially pee peed in the big toilet. I know this is so silly to be so excited about, but you don't know my mom. She would be doing cartwheels with me if she could. I wanted to be able to tell her this huge event in our lives, and I couldn't.
Last week, Karis started standing on her own. As a mommy these milestones are huge. And I just wanted MY mommy to be able to celebrate with me and be excited with me too. I know at this point there are going to be many milestones that I will miss my mom being a part of. I will miss her for the huge ones, kindergarten graduation, Karis' first boyfriend, Jericho's first heartache, and the little one's like Jericho LOVING going to McDonalds with papa. But times like this, when I miss her so much, so much that sometimes it feels like it's hard to breathe, I need to remember the encouragement my sister received from her friend, Marc. Marc lost his dad unexpectedly, two months before we lost our mom.
-------------------------------
Hey Jenny,
No one deserves to lose someone close to them. It's definitely the hardest thing I've had to go through. It's important to remember every positive thing about the present and that everything truly happens for a reason. We could have lost them while we were growing up and may have never known them at all. There are so many other worse situations - always.
There's really nothing anyone can say to take the pain away. And it's not about getting "better." It's more like being able to live without her and coping. You've always been a bright, loving person and I'm sure she gave you nothing but love.
And keep living your life and pursuing your dreams. That's what she would want. :)
-------------------------------
When my sis shared his message with me, two things stood out, "There are so many other worse situations - always" and " keep living your life and pursuing your dreams. That's what she would want."
My mom would be upset at us for being so sad right now, especially because of missing her. She would want us to keep living life and pursuing our dreams. My mom was the most loving person I knew and she gave me, my sister, and my babies nothing but love.
I just wish she were here with me and sharing in all of it too.
This made me think, how do I want my kids to remember me and how I celebrated with them. What ways did or does your mom celebrate huge and little milestones with you, and how do you want to do this for your babies? Please comment and share your ideas!
But reality is hard.
It was especially hard last week when my babies hit two big milestones. And I just wanted to call her like I normally would and tell her the updates. She would always be so happy and excited for them. Just last week Jericho technically started to potty train himself. I've heard of kids doing that before, but I never believed it. He is 2 1/2 and I know a lot of boys that are potty trained already. My mom would always tell me, "Potty train him, it's easy." My response was always, "No, we have too much going on, it's too hard."
I would do all the things that people tell you to do to get them ready for peeing in the big boy toilet. Jericho watches his daddy go pee pee, he watches the potty training Elmo video, he has a toddler toilet that he sits on while he's watching the Elmo pee pee DVD, and I would always ask him, "Jericho, wanna pee pee in the big boy toilet?"
Until last Tuesday the answer was always, "No, mommy." I would never push him. I just figured when he was ready he would let me know. Really, I've just been so overwhelmed with everything, our move back to LA; James having a new job, having Karis, and mom being sick, that potty training was the last thing I wanted to worry about. But last Tuesday morning was a little different that usual mornings. Jericho usually comes running into my room and yells at the top of his lungs, "Mommy, wake up! Mommy, get out of bed!" And this morning he said, "Mommy, Jericho go pee pee in the big toilet." I jumped up and we ran to the toilet. Jericho officially pee peed in the big toilet. I know this is so silly to be so excited about, but you don't know my mom. She would be doing cartwheels with me if she could. I wanted to be able to tell her this huge event in our lives, and I couldn't.
Last week, Karis started standing on her own. As a mommy these milestones are huge. And I just wanted MY mommy to be able to celebrate with me and be excited with me too. I know at this point there are going to be many milestones that I will miss my mom being a part of. I will miss her for the huge ones, kindergarten graduation, Karis' first boyfriend, Jericho's first heartache, and the little one's like Jericho LOVING going to McDonalds with papa. But times like this, when I miss her so much, so much that sometimes it feels like it's hard to breathe, I need to remember the encouragement my sister received from her friend, Marc. Marc lost his dad unexpectedly, two months before we lost our mom.
-------------------------------
Hey Jenny,
No one deserves to lose someone close to them. It's definitely the hardest thing I've had to go through. It's important to remember every positive thing about the present and that everything truly happens for a reason. We could have lost them while we were growing up and may have never known them at all. There are so many other worse situations - always.
There's really nothing anyone can say to take the pain away. And it's not about getting "better." It's more like being able to live without her and coping. You've always been a bright, loving person and I'm sure she gave you nothing but love.
And keep living your life and pursuing your dreams. That's what she would want. :)
-------------------------------
When my sis shared his message with me, two things stood out, "There are so many other worse situations - always" and " keep living your life and pursuing your dreams. That's what she would want."
My mom would be upset at us for being so sad right now, especially because of missing her. She would want us to keep living life and pursuing our dreams. My mom was the most loving person I knew and she gave me, my sister, and my babies nothing but love.
I just wish she were here with me and sharing in all of it too.
This made me think, how do I want my kids to remember me and how I celebrated with them. What ways did or does your mom celebrate huge and little milestones with you, and how do you want to do this for your babies? Please comment and share your ideas!
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