Below is an email I wrote one of my best friends right after we found out that the eight months of chemo and radiation, surgery, and chemo again didn't work for mom. I was sad and afraid and I needed to hear words from someone who had traveled this road already.
December 29, 2010
Hi best friend, so good to hear from you. I have been meaning to email you, but can't even get the words on paper. We found out two weeks ago that they suspect that mom didn't respond to the chemo and that it has spread. She has more tests on Monday to determine if indeed the cancer has spread and to what extent. We were devastated to hear the news. God's provision is that we are back here to be able to spend time with her and to be closer to her. At this point I am asking God for a miracle to heal her, and that we, especially mom will have peace. Cancer sucks so bad. I can't even talk about it. I have been so sad. I spend as much time with her as I can, but Jericho just got sick so we need to stay away from her for a while until he gets better. How do I keep enjoying her while I'm so sick thinking about how much longer I will have her? I need to enjoy her instead of worrying all the time and being sad, but it's so hard to find the balance. If you saw her right now, you would NEVER know she is sick. She looks great and is in great spirits, at least around me. Sorry to burden you with all of this. Please give me insight.
I hope you are doing good. Miss you and love you! Please give the kids hugs for me!
December 29, 2010
I am so so sorry to hear this. It breaks my heart that you and your family have to endure this. I hate cancer too, it's horrible. It is so hard to enjoy them when you're constantly worrying about the time you have left. It's hard to have a normal life. It's an emotional roller coaster! I can't believe this is happening. :(
I absolutely know how hard it is to say the words out loud, to talk about it makes it seem so much more real. And at a time when you want it to be a dream, talking about it and making it more real isn't easy to do. Does that even make sense? Sorry....but, what I'm trying to say is that I'm here to talk. I wish I could be closer to be there for you. If you need me I'll talk a few days off and be there! I love you, I love your mom.
This quote may not help at all, but it always reminds me of my mom and it fits your situation when you said, "how do I keep enjoying her while I'm so sick thinking about how much longer I will have her"...Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass....it's about learning to dance in the rain."
Today, I was sad. I was missing my mom, really feeling the pain of what life is going to look like without her. In the movies they make it look like the worst part is when they die. In my case, the worst part is when the realization really hits that it will be a long time until I get to see her beautiful face again. It is especially difficult when life is harder than I could have ever imagined and all I want to hear is that "it is going to be ok, God is taking care of it." The words only a mother can tell her child and make them really believe it. I was feeling her absence so deeply, especially today....and believe it or not, in almost 100 degree weather, in the dead of summer, it started to rain. I can't tell you how many times in this last month when God would remind me in amazing ways that, "it is going to be ok. He is taking care of it." As I was driving, with tears streaming down my face, all I could think about was the quote that my best friend told me about in December, the same quote I found on the piece of scratch paper that my mom wrote...“Life’s not about waiting for the storm to pass…It’s about Learning To Dance In The Rain.”
So we pulled into the driveway, I got Jericho out of the car, and we danced. We danced in the rain. Through this horrible storm we can and we WILL dance.
"To every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven; A time to be born, and a time to die; a time to plant, and a time to pluck up that which is planted; A time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to DANCE..."