Thursday, August 11, 2011

How are you?

Some people have told me they don’t know what to say during hard times like this. Because of this, I thought it would be good to write a little something about it. For me, it is better for someone to say something, than not to say anything at all. Something simple like, "I'm sorry about your mom" will not offend me, make me remember my loss, or make me feel sad. I wake up every day thinking about her and still everything around me reminds me of her. I miss my mom every second of the day. Nothing anyone can do or say can make me miss her more.

I know this sounds trite, but when I want to talk and share my feelings I will. Then you will wish you didn't ask because I have a lot to say:)

A hard question for me to answer is, "How are you?" How I really feel is that I wish this was just a terrible nightmare. I wish my mom was still alive. I wish that cancer didn't exist, and that she was still alive and cancer free. Just like everything else, getting married, having children, losing a parent, you just don't know what that really means until it happens to you.

One of my cousins asked me one day, “How are you?” We are really close; in fact we have had a secret name for each other since we were kids (ok, a really long time ago) We call each other our BCFs, Best Cousins Forever. I’m really not a closed person, but never have I experienced a loss or a hurt so deep, that I can barely talk about it. Losing my mom is one of those things. Because my cousin and I are so close I couldn’t give her the easy, “I’m doing good!” response. She would see right through that. But the truth is that it is really hard to verbalize how I’m really feeling, so I write. I told her if you want to really know how I’m feeling, read my blog. We got off the phone, and thirty minutes later she called me in tears.

I say all this because I never want anyone starting this journey or going through this journey to ever feel like they are alone, that no one understands, and that God doesn’t care. When you feel like no one understands, please know that I will support you, pray for you, and fight with you. During this horrible loss I have learned things that I could have never gotten a chance to learn any other way. This journey has made me more compassionate, more thankful for today, more in awe of God’s love through his people who have been loving me so well, and more aware of how great and powerful He is.

If you know someone going through having a loved one go through cancer or have lost someone to cancer, please share this blog with them. If something I have written makes you think about your relationship with your mom, sister, daughter, or someone else, share those too. Please share your thoughts with me and with others. The stories that have been shared with me already have really touched my heart. They really make a difference!

Please do not be afraid to talk to me about my mom. It feels good to talk about her. She is and always will be a huge part of my life.