Over the course of this last year, since my mom's death, God has used different people to reach out and comfort me through people who loved my sweet momma too. Through emails, texts, phone calls, letters, and conversations, just knowing that others were missing her made me realize how loved she was.
Today I received a letter in the mail. It was a letter
from one of my mom's closest friends from nursing school. She mailed me a
letter that she was sending out to the alumni of their school for a
fundraising concert they were doing. In her letter she said that she was
going through her mailing list and came across my mom's name. She
hadn't erased her name yet because she said she was still in denial. So instead of sending the letter to my mom, she sent it to me.
On Christmas, I received a text from my mom's friend whom she was in
bible study for many years. The text said that she was thinking of me
and my dad and sister and praying for us.
This last April, one of
my mom's staff members emailed me. She told me a story about something that
happened that reminded her of my mom.
A couple of months ago, my
uncle called me and asked me what my mom did about a certain situation
regarding my cousin going to college. She was starting as a freshman at
Azusa Pacific University, which is also Jenny and my alma mater.
Two weeks ago,
I was talking to my aunt. She told me that she still can't believe that
my mom's gone. She still thinks about her and misses her all the time.
have big things coming up that I wish my mom was at, I wear her
necklace that she wore at my wedding. Last week after one of those
events, as I was getting Karis out of her carseat, she pulled my
necklace and said, "Nanay's necklace." Yes, my sweet girl, this is Nanay's necklace. How it warms my heart that Karis at 2 years old brings so much joy.
The other night when I was putting Jericho to bed, I asked him who
the lady was in a picture on his dresser was. He said, "that's nanay,
and no one can ever take her from me." I asked him who told him that and
he said, "Jesus."
Because of who my mom was in my life, it means
so much to me that people still talk about her, remember her, miss her.
It has been over a year that she has been in
heaven and it would make sense that I wouldn't miss her as I do. But
everyday I miss her. Every day I think about her. I am still learning
how to live my life without her in it. Sometimes I have these thoughts
of, "Oh, I'll just call her" and as I'm thinking the thought, at the
same time I'm shaking my head "no" because the thought is so ridiculous.
Now that she's been gone as long as she has, I feel like just now am I
realizing that my life's story has completely changed. When I tell my
story to others, it will now include the part of when my mom got sick
and when she died. And when I hear from others about how much they miss
her, or have been thinking of her, it is comforting to know that she is
Today at bible study that I have with two amazing
women, whom I know without a shadow of a doubt are gifts from God (one
who is my best friend of 21 years, and the other, God brought into my
life 1 month after my mom died and has become my spiritual mom), the
speaker was talking about how sometimes God takes us somewhere to allow
us to get to the other side (healthier, and with a better perspective)
in the future. She talked about how God always appears to those who need
Him most. And although now my story includes the life and death of my
mother, it now also includes how during the time of deepest sorrow in my
life, God was there. He showed me love and grace and peace and even joy
more that I have ever experienced during that season. Though this last
year is a blur, I can't even remember how I took care of my kids and had
enough emotional energy to maintain relationships with anyone, the one
relationship that was strengthened the very most was the one with the
person who is the very most of importance in my life today. I couldn't
have gotten through last year without many people, but mostly without
Jesus. Of all the things that I learned last year, it was this, God
always appears to those who need Him most. And not only did he appear,
he blessed, he took care, he comforted, he gave me joy, he carried me,
he brought restoration, he brought healing, and he brought peace.
If you are going through a time of deep sorrow, BELIEVE and KNOW and TRUST this truth:
God ALWAYS appears to those who need Him most.