Lower Cholesterol is the Icing on the Cake! Bring on the Salad!

 One of the greatest benefits of eating differently this month is a very emotional one for me. Twenty-six years ago, my dad had his first massive heart attack. At 12 years old I lived in constant fear of my dad dying. I was always afraid that I would find my dad dead after suffering a heart attack. I always hoped that he would be alive to walk me down the aisle when I got married. My dad was 5 years older than how old I am now when he had a quintuple heart bypass. He was 43 when he had his first heart attack. His dad, my great-grandfather, died at 40. 

From that point on I knew what it meant to be worried about high blood pressure, high cholesterol, high this and high that. Rewind a couple of years ago, when my cholesterol levels started climbing. The first time I found out I was devastated. My doctor had me recheck my cholesterol levels every 6 months so that ultimately, we could determine if I would have to take cholesterol lowering medication. The last couple of years I was too afraid to re-check at the six month mark. At the end of these last 30 days of eating differently, it happened to be the time for me to recheck my cholesterol levels.

With the changes that I’ve made in my diet, I wanted to see if eating differently would make a difference. This past month I’ve eaten a lot of eggs and meat. I’ve also eaten a ton of vegetables and fruit. I’ve continued to exercise the same amount that I have in the past 3 years, and mind you exercise did nothing in the past to lower my cholesterol, as I exercise the same amount now.

When I got the results of my last cholesterol levels on Friday, I was in tears walking around ToysRUs. My cholesterol levels decreased 40 points. 40 points! I could not believe it. Right away I texted my people. My high cholesterol was battled and lowered by what I chose to eat. One month of eating differently has changed the course of so much of my future. It has changed the course of what I am choosing to eat and decisions I am making for my family's food choices. This is just one of the huge things of eating differently has taught me. Lower cholesterol is the icing on the cake. Bring on the salad! This has sealed the deal for me!

Where are you, Jesus?

They say this time is the happiest time of the year. But for some, it is the hardest. Sadly, all the hard things don't end because it's Christmas.

Where is happiness when sitting with your mom who is lying in a hospital bed, praying and hoping for her to get better? Or with the sister who is in surgery while the surgeon is removing a brain tumor two days before Christmas? Or the first, or second, or third Christmas without your mom? Because you know what they say, when you lose your mom, you feel like you become an orphan no matter what age you are.

Where is Jesus when you've worked so hard and still have no money for presents? Or when your baby is born months early and spends the first days and weeks of his life in the neonatal intensive care unit and doesn't come home for Christmas? Where is He when your daddy is recovering from surgery and another dad is recovering from a heart attack? Where is He in broken family relationships, or in marriages struggling to stay together, or the missing and longing of that one person who is Christmas to you, or in the deaths of a father and sister one week apart.... 

Right now I'm baking treats for our neighbors and family. The kids are outside digging in the dirt and playing. I'm listening to the song, "Oh, come, oh, come Emmanuel." And I'm reminded and I'm weeping as I'm praying for all my loved ones who are struggling and hurting. I'm praying that especially at this time Emmanuel, which means, "God with us," is felt right now. I'm praying Jesus is known and felt in every single situation, hardship, and trial we are facing.

When I was going through the saddest time of my life, I can honestly say I felt and knew God's powerful love and peace in ways I could never imagine possible. And that is my prayer for all my loved ones, that especially today, the day before Christmas, we would know, without a shadow of a doubt, God is with us. He loves us deeply and unconditionally. He will give us peace and joy that transcends all understanding. So cling to him, with all that you have, especially now, and Emmanuel shall surely come to you. 

Keep your eyes and your heart open. He will come to you in ways you did not think was possible.

Jesus is with us.

----------------------------------------

Oh come, Oh come, Emmanuel
And ransom captive Israel
That mourns in lonely exile here
Until the Son of God appears

Rejoice, Rejoice!
Emmanuel shall come to thee, Oh Israel!

Oh come, Thou Dayspring, come and cheer
Thy people with Thine advent here;
Disperse the gloomy clouds of night
And death's dark shadows put to flight

Rejoice, Rejoice!
Emmanuel shall come to thee, Oh Israel!

Oh come, Thou rod of Jesse, free
Thine own from Satan's tyranny
From depths of hell Thy people save
And give them victory o'ver the grave

Rejoice, Rejoice!
Emmanuel shall come to thee, Oh Israel!
Rejoice, Rejoice!
Emmanuel shall come to thee, Oh Israel!

Oh come, Oh come, Emmanuel

It Goes Too Fast, Enjoy It While You Can

Taken tonight at Jericho's last preschool Christmas performance. I'm one proud momma!

 

I've been a bit emotional lately. I am that crazy mom.

In three weeks we are starting a new phase in our life. Yesterday was Jericho's orientation for Junior Kindergarten. It's a new program for kids who turned five in December and were not able to start transitional kindergarten this past September. As the principal was talking to us she said, "this is harder for the parents than it is for the students." And just like that the tears wouldn't stop. It's true, the saying, "it goes too fast, enjoy it while you can." The person who reminded me of that so many times is now on the other side of heaven. There isn't a day that goes by that I don't miss my sweet momma, especially during days like these when I wish I could talk to her and ask her, "were you this sad when I started kindergarten? Is this normal?"

It seems so silly to be sad. "They are only here for four hours, and then they will be back home again," is what the principal said. But what this really is, the beginning of school, is the beginning of a new life. You see, when I became a mom, I struggled with letting go of my career and being home with my baby. I loved my job. The work I did was life giving to me and something I deeply enjoyed. I came to a crossroads once Jericho was born. The minute I saw my baby, the one who had been in my tummy for 35 weeks, and felt my heartbeat, I knew that there was nothing that could keep me away from him. And though I loved my job, I knew that the desire to be with Jericho every second possible was more.

I continued working until Jericho was ten months old. I felt the mommy guilt. I was torn. I wanted to be a full time mommy but didn't want to give up my job. After ten months James and I decided that it was time for me to be home with Jericho. There would always be time for me to go back to work. Exactly a week after I resigned, we found out that I was pregnant with Karis. At that time I remember thinking, God's timing is perfect.

Since then I have struggled with the idea that no one will ever hire me again because I've "just been a stay at home mom." I've struggled with my identity because I am not accomplishing tasks or finishing projects or making even a penny. And now, just like that, life is changing and my role as a momma is changing. My time of being a stay at home mom is coming to an end. I'm coming to the the realization that my baby is no longer a baby, while knowing in my heart that he will always be my baby, no matter how old he is. I accept the truth, "it goes too fast, enjoy it while you can."

For me being a mom is the most fulfilling and life giving thing that I have ever experienced. I realize that the breastfeeding every two hours ends after a couple of months. The sleepless nights, though during the time seems like they will NEVER end, eventually do. And as one of my mom friends who has grown children has told me, they are all potty trained before they go to college. This whole thing, of being that person who does every single thing for my baby, is coming to an end.

And tonight, as I tuck my boy in bed and say prayers with him that he doesn't have any nightmares, I tell him how proud of him I am and that I love him forever and ever (amen). I cover his face with kisses, and snuggle him just long enough for him to tell me to stop because I'm making him too hot. I study his face and see how his silky straight hair falls so perfectly on his forehead, while his eyes flutter because he's falling asleep. I will myself to enjoy it while I can. It is going way too fast. And I thank God for giving me this sweet sweet boy to love every day for the rest of my life.

A New Christmas

This time last year I was broken and hurting. I was overwhelmed with life and in the deepest seasons of sadness I'd ever been in. My mom, the person who had always been my rock, passed away a few months before. 

At the time I thought I was ok. Now that I have a year behind me I realize that I was numb and surviving. To be honest  I was just trying to make it through the day.

During that season I desperately clung to Philippians 4:4-7

"Rejoice in The Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice! Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near. Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.  And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus."

I believed those verses with all my heart. Even during that season of sadness and grief, God gave me peace and helped me to rejoice despite the circumstances.

And today, even more so, I believe Him. I believe that even during times of sadness I can have peace and I can rejoice. 

During this time of year, despite the hustle and bustle, happiness and sadness, joy and despair...we can rejoice and we can have peace. Let us not forget about the beauty of this season and the things that matter the most. Our love and faith in God, our husbands, our children, our families, and our friends. 

Jesus came to earth so that we could have the greatest gift of all. Life everlasting with the creator and giver of life. He also has given us the ability to love deeply, to experience unfathomable joy, and to live life as fully as we can. In giving of ourselves and serving others, He blesses us beyond understanding and continues to do so until the day that He calls us home.

May God bless you and your loved ones this Christmas, with the gifts only He can give.

"Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of the 

heavenly lights..."

James 1:17

God ALWAYS Appears to Those Who Need Him Most

Over the course of this last year, since my mom's death, God has used different people to reach out and comfort me through people who loved my sweet momma too. Through emails, texts, phone calls, letters, and conversations, just knowing that others were missing her made me realize how loved she was.

Today I received a letter in the mail. It was a letter from one of my mom's closest friends from nursing school. She mailed me a letter that she was sending out to the alumni of their school for a fundraising concert they were doing. In her letter she said that she was going through her mailing list and came across my mom's name. She hadn't erased her name yet because she said she was still in denial. So instead of sending the letter to my mom, she sent it to me.

On Christmas, I received a text from my mom's friend whom she was in bible study for many years. The text said that she was thinking of me and my dad and sister and praying for us.

This last April, one of my mom's staff members emailed me. She told me a story about something that happened that reminded her of my mom.

A couple of months ago, my uncle called me and asked me what my mom did about a certain situation regarding my cousin going to college. She was starting as a freshman at Azusa Pacific University, which is also Jenny and my alma mater.

Two weeks ago, I was talking to my aunt. She told me that she still can't believe that my mom's gone. She still thinks about her and misses her all the time.

When I have big things coming up that I wish my mom was at, I wear her necklace that she wore at my wedding. Last week after one of those events, as I was getting Karis out of her carseat, she pulled my necklace and said, "Nanay's necklace." Yes, my sweet girl, this is Nanay's necklace. How it warms my heart that Karis at 2 years old brings so much joy.

The other night when I was putting Jericho to bed, I asked him who the lady was in a picture on his dresser was. He said, "that's nanay, and no one can ever take her from me." I asked him who told him that and he said, "Jesus."

Because of who my mom was in my life, it means so much to me that people still talk about her, remember her, miss her. It has been over a year that she has been in heaven and it would make sense that I wouldn't miss her as I do. But everyday I miss her. Every day I think about her. I am still learning how to live my life without her in it. Sometimes I have these thoughts of, "Oh, I'll just call her" and as I'm thinking the thought, at the same time I'm shaking my head "no" because the thought is so ridiculous. Now that she's been gone as long as she has, I feel like just now am I realizing that my life's story has completely changed. When I tell my story to others, it will now include the part of when my mom got sick and when she died. And when I hear from others about how much they miss her, or have been thinking of her, it is comforting to know that she is not forgotten.

Today at bible study that I have with two amazing women, whom I know without a shadow of a doubt are gifts from God (one who is my best friend of 21 years, and the other, God brought into my life 1 month after my mom died and has become my spiritual mom), the speaker was talking about how sometimes God takes us somewhere to allow us to get to the other side (healthier, and with a better perspective) in the future. She talked about how God always appears to those who need Him most. And although now my story includes the life and death of my mother, it now also includes how during the time of deepest sorrow in my life, God was there. He showed me love and grace and peace and even joy more that I have ever experienced during that season. Though this last year is a blur, I can't even remember how I took care of my kids and had enough emotional energy to maintain relationships with anyone, the one relationship that was strengthened the very most was the one with the person who is the very most of importance in my life today. I couldn't have gotten through last year without many people, but mostly without Jesus. Of all the things that I learned last year, it was this, God always appears to those who need Him most. And not only did he appear, he blessed, he took care, he comforted, he gave me joy, he carried me, he brought restoration, he brought healing, and he brought peace.

If you are going through a time of deep sorrow, BELIEVE and KNOW and TRUST this truth:

God ALWAYS appears to those who need Him most.
 

My 34th Birthday Resolution-- I Choose to be Fearless in Loving

I have been having bittersweet feelings about this day for a while. My first birthday without my mom. She always made it so special. Every March 20th, since I could remember, it always started with a phone call with her singing happy birthday and having lunch together. Last night I prayed that God would let me have a dream with her in it, so it could feel like we were still here together. I was sad when I woke up because I didn't have any dreams or a happy birthday phone call.

But today this is what I woke up to:

This link My Babies takes you to a really sweet clip of my kids. I wish I could keep them like this forever!!

Roses from the best hubby in the world

The cake I found in the fridge

Oh my heart is so full!

One of the biggest blessings this year has been my mentor mom, Shelly. When I got to MOPS last Wednesday, she surprised me by decorating our table in pink with beautiful flowers and the yummiest homemade cupcakes I have EVER had! She really has a way of making people feel loved!

Me and Shelly

Pretty flowers and the BEST cupcakes ever

This weekend, James and I had a nice lunch at one of my favorite restaurants. Just the two of us. Then we spent the rest of our afternoon working on house projects. Which typically wouldn't be that fun, but since we didn't have any of the kids with us (they were having a blast with their grandparents), it was like a date for us. We were able to work on projects, laugh together, and not have to worry about kids who were trying to kill each other. AND my aunt brought home pie and made coffee for us. Lunch with my best friend, sweets and coffee, and free babysitting? What a fun day celebrating with James!!!

Monday was a wonderful day. I spent the morning with the babies at their school with two of my dear girlfriends. And then one of my bestest friends come over to watch the kids so I could get a massage that she bought for me for Christmas, so I could get my eyebrows done (the brow bar at Macy's gives free eyebrow waxing on birthdays), and kid free shopping at Trader Joes.

When I was done I came home to a clean house (all my dishes were done) the house was picked up, and it was quiet (kids were asleep)! I felt like I won the lotto!! Cheryl is such a true and devoted friend. We have been friends for 21 years. So thankful for her in my life!

Cher knows how much I LOVE my hot cheetos

And today....my actual birthday....

My hubby called me and sang happy birthday in his wonderful singing voice! My kids and I were able to sleep in til 9am. One of my dearest friends treated me and the kids to lunch. And I really cannot even thank everyone enough for making my birthday so blessed and making me feel so loved and special. All of the phone calls, text messages, emails, and Facebook posts, they really do make a girl feel loved!

The kids posing after lunch

Coffee and a red velvet cupcake with my baby boy

This afternoon the kids gave me a really amazing gift...a nap, and I was able to really think and soak in all of the blessings of this past day, week, and year. I have been surrounded by so much love, so much grace, and so much joy, even despite the pain and ache of missing my mom. God has given me so many people who love me so well, so much I know I don't deserve it, and I am beyond thankful.

Tonight we went to dinner with my favorite people in the world, James, my babies, and my sister. (Dad, we will celebrate with you when you are in town!)

I DO NOT deserve this man!

I love these people!

Sad effort at trying to get a group shot

Such a typical end of the night picture for us. James is almost asleep, Jericho is laughing uncontrollably,  Karis with her wild hair, and I'm the only one looking at the camera!

As I reflect on this past year, I have decided that this year I want to be fearless in loving. I want to love more and without fear of losing or hurting. Because in the end loving and being loved is really what makes a life, right? I want to be known as a person who was fearless in loving no matter what.

Although I miss my mom so much and wish with all of my heart that she was still here, I know I will see her again. All the years I spent loving my mom have made my life so rich, and though it hurts to love, so many times, I choose to love more without fear.

And really, how can I hold back? I have been so loved by my God in ways that are unexplainable; through a husband I truly do not deserve, babies who bring me so much joy I cannot contain myself, and loved ones who have loved me so well and so much during my darkest storms...

So here is my attempt for my 34th birthday resolution--I choose to be fearless in loving!

Happy birthday, momma

Birthdays are a big deal. At least my mom always made it one. It wasn't just a celebration on my actual "birth" day, it was a celebration on the day, weekend, and week. She had a way of making me feel so celebrated, loved, and special.

And today, she is celebrating her very first birthday in heaven. And I know, without a doubt in my mind, that this is the best birthday she has ever had. Similar to the post about my mom's best Christmas, (you can click on the link to bring you to that post http://mommychristianfaith.blogspot.com/2011/12/best-christmas-my-mom-has-ever-had.html)  I can hardly fathom her joy celebrating with Jesus, and I know that He is making her feel so celebrated, loved, and special.

What did you do to your mom to make you deserve this??

The day before Christmas eve, James surprised me with an early Christmas gift. He took the day off of work and it was perfect so I could get some last minute Christmas shopping done. I was able to find myself a cute Christmas outfit (very important), and it allowed the four of us to spend the day together before we celebrated with our entire family. After breakfast I took Karis with me shopping, and James took Jericho on a daddy date to the kid museum.

Hallelujah! With one kid, I went shopping. What a breeze!

What happened to her sock and shoe?

Or so I thought. While I was shopping Karis was fussing a little bit so I took it as my cue to hurry up. At the counter as I was paying she found a lip gloss she wanted. I tried to distract her with mine and she threw it on the floor. After I paid, we left the store. At that point Karis was crying and screaming inconsolably, the way kids do when people stop and stare because it truly is a sight to see. I tried to hold her, comfort her, have her walk on her own. And this is what ended up happening. On the floor, the day before Christmas eve, me with a bunch of bags and a stroller and a crazy baby.

For the last two weeks Karis has been sick with the stomach flu, an eye infection (which she has been on antibiotics for), and welcoming five new teeth. All at once. My child who sleeps 12 hours a night decided that she would wake up every single night at 1 and or 3 and 5 in the morning, almost every night for the last two weeks. AND she will cry bloody murder and won’t stop until I pick her up, read her a book, turn on cartoons, and/or give her cheerios and water. Oh my goodness, I’m creating a monster!

sad eye (it's all better now!)

Is she giving me a dirty look? This is 1am by the way

Since we were going on a getaway trip for James’ birthday weekend, we were praying really hard that Karis would magically get better and start sleeping through the night again.

Watching The Little Mermaid (1am Saturday morning)

Walking around the hotel (2am Sunday morning). Why is she so happy?

Watching Finding Nemo (430am)

We were so wrong. This girl barely took a nap all day, and at 1:00am all that would console her was watching Finding Nemo as we all tried to sleep in the hotel room. The next morning at 2am she was done with letting us sleep and would not stop crying. I decided to walk her around the halls of the hotel and one of the workers stopped me to ask if I was lost. I’m not sure it is that weird for a mom to be walking her little girl in a stroller at 2am. I prayed that God would make Karis feel better and let her little body calm down and rest. Ten minutes later she was snoring. Relief!

Looks can be deceiving!

Karis slept soundly until 6am and the crying and screaming began again. I know you are thinking, really, Karis? She is so quiet and gentle. But this girl, when she gets mad, you don’t know what hit you.

 When we got up later that morning, James asked me, “What did you do to your mom to deserve this?

Oh, how much this question brought me back to many arguments my sweet momma and I had during my wonderful high school years. There were many times my mom would tell me, “When you have kids, you’ll understand. They might even treat you how your treat me.” And my response at the time was always, "Then you must have been really bad!" Now that I have kids, I understand. My daughter is only 19 months old and I don’t ever know what I did to deserve this! I know my mom is smiling down from heaven because payback is a you know what. But I love and adore my daughter, especially when she wakes up from giving us a night of misery and all she wants to do is hug me.

I think about how much I want to tell my mom how much I love her and how I hear her words, “You’ll thank me later,” and let her know how truly grateful I am that she loved me so strongly, so bravely, and so well. Especially, during the years that I really gave her hell.  I want to tell her how thankful I am that none of my crying and screaming and throwing fits, and telling her God awful things ever stopped her from loving me. And what an example she is to me of always showing grace and letting me know how special and loved I am.

Dear God, please have mercy on my when my Karis becomes a teenager. Please help my Karis realize before she's 33 years old that I am her biggest cheerleader, that there will never be anything that will make me stop loving her, and please let her believe me when I tell her, "been there done that," as my momma would always say.

Father, please give me the faith, courage, and strength to be the mom mine was to me.

My momma and her crazy girl (1979)

Me and my crazy girl (2012)

God Makes Us Better

I love the tender moments of the every day with my Jericho. It's January 7th, and as much as I hate to put Christmas decorations away, I know it's time. There is no hint of Christmas anywhere. The stores are full of Valentine's day decorations, it's 75 degrees outside, and Christmas has come and gone so quickly I barely have any memories of the last three weeks because it was such a whirlwind.

That's why I am so thankful for traditions and memories, and I realize that I want to leave a legacy for my children and my family and my friends. And as sentimental as I am, I need pictures and items to remind me of the tender memories tucked deeply in the back of my mind. Three years ago I started collecting Christmas ornaments that represented the year.

In 2008, there were two ornaments, one of a picture of James and I together, a week before Jericho was born, the very last time it would be just him and me. And the other, a picture of James, me, and Jericho on his first Christmas. In 2009, the ornament was of Santa with two children on his lap, one named Jericho, and the other one named baby.

In 2010, the ornament was of the four of us in a 2010 frame, and the other ornament of the word FAITH, representing the faith we had that God was going to miraculously heal my mom, and also representative of  Karis' middle name, and how it reflected the baby girl added to our family and the love of Christ that she represented. That particular ornament was purchased on one of the last trips we took with my mom to Santa Barbara.

In 2011, one ornament was of Jericho with trains (perfect because of his love for them, and his 3rd Train Birthday Party), and the other was of Karis with ladybugs on the frame (again with many representations). The most special one, being a frame with an angel on top of my mom's picture. Of course, representing the angel that heaven gained on July 10, 2011, and the hole left in my heart for the rest of my life.

Jericho was "helping" me take down the ornaments from the tree and I showed him the one with my mom's picture on it. I asked him if he knew who she was. He said, "It's Nanay. Is she sick, or is she better?" And I told him, "She's better now." His next response being, "Did God make her better?" And my answer with tears in my eyes, "Yes, baby, God made her better."

It's still hard. Every day I still have to ask myself if she really died. But the truth is, God made her better. He made her better in a different way than I asked. I may not understand, or know why He chooses to do what He does, but He always makes us better. And I am thankful that my three year old son knows, that no matter what the outcome is, God ALWAYS makes us better.

My Mom's Death- The one thing I never thought I could survive

It's been a hard year, the hardest year and ten months of my life, but God has given me so much peace and comfort. This has been a hard year for many of us. Loss of jobs, loss of homes, loss of loved ones, and the list goes on. Five months ago, I lost the rock in my life, my dad lost his wife of 34 years, my sister lost her mom, and my children lost their nanay. It's amazing how it still doesn't seem real. It still feels as if she is still here.

The greatest gifts my mom gave me was her joy, zeal for life, love for me, and her braveness. My mom loved hard, forgave so much, and truly lived her life. When she was diagnosed with cancer she told me, I may have cancer, but cancer doesn't have me. She loved God. She placed her trust in Him. And until the day she died she loved with her entire life. Everything she did was for others. Especially for my dad, me, my sister, and my children.

Because of the closeness that my mom and I shared, my mom's death was the one thing I never thought I could survive. But time and time again God has comforted me, given me peace and joy even though I thought it was impossible.

In Psalm 136 it says 26 times that God's love endures forever. No matter what hardship, disappointment, sadness, or trial we face, the one thing we have certainty in is that His love endures forever. There is nothing that can separate us from the love of God.

None of us knows what tomorrow brings. We are not guaranteed anything in life, except that if we know the Lord, he will fill all of those places that are hurting and afraid. We also know that this world is not the end. That when we die, if we have a relationship with him, we will be with him in heaven and my mom and I will be together again. I cannot wait for that.

As we anticipate the end of this year, and the newness of 2012, I am thankful for God's love for me. No matter what we go through--good or bad, His love never fails. His love endures forever.

The Best Christmas My Mom Has Ever Had

I found a journal entry I wrote exactly a year ago today. Coincidentally, the picture of me and the kids with my mom, on the blog header, was our taken during ourlast Christmas together last year. What I wrote below makes me realize how much more every single day is a gift. We do not know what the future holds for any of us. God didn’t answer my prayer as I begged him to. But as my mother-in-law told me the other day, a week after she lost her sister to a year long battle with cancer, “They are in a better place than us, walking on the streets of gold.”

If you are still blessed to have your mom (or dad) with you here on earth, please celebrate with her this Christmas the blessing she is to you and all she has done for you. And, I will continue to thank God for giving me an amazing momma, for me to love and cherish for 33 years here on earth.

------------------------------------------------
December 22, 2010 1230am
Hilton, San Diego, CA

I don't want to forget this day for a really long time. We are on vacation in San Diego with mom, dad, Boogs, and the kids. It is an awful time to be in San Diego. The weather is rainy and no sunshine in sight. This is not typical of San Diego. Usually it is beautiful. It hurts to be here. I still want to live here, but with my mom near me too. Jesus please bring us back to San Diego one day.

We just found out that mom's cancer may have spread. I want to enjoy every day that I can with her. I don't want to forget her smile, her laugh, the way she keeps me from sleeping because her snoring is like a lawnmower right in my ear. You would never know that she is worried or sad. She is too busy being my mom, being Nanay to my kids. She is making sure that we are ok, that we are not worried about her or sad. But the truth is that all I think about is her getting better, how much I already miss her, how much I am mourning that my children will never know her like I did. They may not even remember her and all we'll have are memories of her. And all I’ll want, is my mom.

Jesus please heal her. Please provide a miracle for us. Please help her not to suffer and to really live the last of her days here on earth. Please fill her life with joy and peace. Please help me to love her and enjoy every minute with her. Jesus please give us amazing memories. Please help me to soak in every piece of her. Please fill our days with times that we will never ever forget. Jesus please provide a miracle for us.

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Till we meet again, momma. I can’t wait to rejoice with you on the streets of gold. I know you’re having the best Christmas you’ve ever had.

Jericho's Prayer

Most of the time I talk about how God knew I needed to have Karis. My baby girl, the one who I can have, especially during the times I miss my mom the very most. But tonight I am reminded why God knew that I had to have Jericho. For the last month or so, Jericho has been saying the prayer before we have dinner. His usual prayer is thanking God for his trains and cars and all the people close to his heart. But tonight it was different. His prayer went like this, "Jesus, we thank you for mommy and daddy. Jesus, I thank you for mommy and I want to hug her. Amen."

This boy says the CUTEST things and I try very hard not to correct him THAT much. Sometimes I try to remind him that we should thank Jesus for our food too, but that night James and I just looked at each other and smiled. Later that night, James was teasing me because he said that Jericho just melted my heart by what he said in his prayer, especially because he is a momma's boy. I got to thinking, and it made me realize how much Jericho loved me. In his pure and innocent love, he reminded me so much of how I loved my mom. From the second I can remember, I loved my mom. Everyone would always tell me how much I never wanted to be away from her. I remember when my mom had to have surgery when I was five years old, and you might as well have taken her from me forever. That week of being away from her was like ripping my heart out. I still remember sobbing and sobbing when I couldn't see her. I stayed with my grandparents that week and my grandma gave me an EKG sticker that was on my mom, that I placed on a piece of paper so I could hug it, and that was the only way I could fall asleep. It's so funny how that memory, from 28 years ago, still resonates deep in my heart of the longing I had for my mom.

My mom was my biggest cheerleader, advocate, closest friend. She made me feel like I was priceless. Irreplaceable. Loved. When she died she took a piece of me with her. Through my relationship with her, I learned what it meant to be loved unconditionally, how to be nurtured. How to be protected. I never understood the depth of her love for me. Now that I am a mom, I can understand the fierceness in how a mother loves her children.

A few months ago, one of my best friends and I started a bible study, by Beth Moore, called Breaking Free. This study has completely changed my life. God knew that I needed to be in his word and soaking in his truth, especially during this season of life.

One of the truths that was revealed to me in this study shook me to my core. Here is the passage as she quotes from an amazing man, Oswald Chambers.

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Our soul's history with God is frequently the history of the "passing of the hero." Over and over again God has to remove our friends in order to bring Himself in their place, and that is where we faint and flail and get discouraged. Take it personally: In the year that the one who stood to me for all that God was, died--I gave up everything? I became ill? I got disheartened? Or-- I saw the Lord?

It must be God first, God second, and God third, until the life is faced steadily with God and no one else is of any account whatever. "In all the world there is none but thee, my God, there is none but thee."
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My mom was and always will be my hero. What got me was when Oswald Chambers says, "In the year that the one who stood to me for all that God was, died--I gave up everything? I became ill? I got disheartened? Or-- I saw the Lord?" and truly, I want to say that when my mom died, the one who stood to me for ALL that God was, I saw the Lord. It is hard. It is painful. Sometimes I just want lie in bed and sleep, and just be sad, but because of my babies, I get up every morning, make sure they are fed, and loved, and nurtured, and KNOW without a doubt that they are one of the greatest gifts and blessings God has ever given me, just as my mom showed me.

Another thing that I have been thinking about is how I don't ever want to be the one who stood for God to my children. My mom never intended that to be, but my mom what God in the flesh for me. My love and dependence on her was so strong because of her ever perfect way of loving me, the best that she could. My mom and I had gone through hell and back together, not in our relationship with each other, but in the things that we went through, together.

Though I pray that my babies love me, and know that I love them so deeply, I LONG for them to have their reliance on Jesus. I long for them to place their hopes and dreams on Him, because He is the only one who can fulfill all of the dark, lonely, and hard places of our souls. He is the only one who will never let us down, and He is the only one who will love us despite all our ugliness.

Especially since I know my Jericho loves me in such an endearing way, I have made it a point to try to let him know that God loves him so much more than I ever could. There was one day that he was crying for about twenty minutes, because in his two year old world, the worst thing that could ever happen to him every day is that he has to take a nap. The most loving thing that I could think of to say to him was that I loved him so much. But it hit me, my words and actions need to start now. He needs to know that no matter how much I love him, the only one who could ever love him more than me is Jesus. So now I say to him, "Jericho mommy loves you the most in the world, but do you know who loves you more?" and his ever so emphatic response is, "Jesus!" I hope one day he realizes the truth of those words. That me, as his mommy will love him the most that is humanly possible. But the truth is that no matter what, the only one who can love him perfectly, flawlessly, and without fail, is Jesus.

Oh, how I am so grateful to God for my mom. How she loved me the most that was humanly possible for her, and how she made sure, in the most possible way she could, that I loved God too. And though difficult for me to accept at times, only He can fill the void of her in my life. But how beautiful, how my mom's legacy of love and faith in God, has been the greatest inheritance that she has passed down to me, and now to the best of my capacity, will passed down as an inheritance to my children as well.

Time Heals All Wounds

They say time heals all wounds. And I really hope this is true. It's been four months exactly since my mom has been gone and I can't say it's any easier. If anything it seems as it gets harder and harder. It gets longer and longer since the last time I saw her, gave her a hug, told her I love her, saw the joy in her eyes and the happiness in my babies eyes when they were with her. I think that's what I mourn the most. I will mourn my children never knowing what an amazing grandma she was and how much she loved them. She always wanted to be a grandma. In fact, almost every second since we got married all she wanted was to have grandchildren. And for the 4 1/2 years before Jericho was born, believe me, she didn't hesitate to let me know how much I needed to have kids:)

Tonight we came back from our third trip to Hawaii together. The first time was right before we knew that we were going to be moving to San Diego for James to go to grad school. We went to Hawaii so we could check out Hawaii Pacific University. That was the first school to accept him. It was also his birthday so it was an even better excuse to go to Hawaii. The second time was a little bit over a year after he graduated from his MBA and Masters in Nursing programs and Jericho was 10 months old. No one else knew, but we were on our babymoon. I was a month pregnant with Karis and we were planning on telling our parents when we returned from Hawaii.

The really funny thing is that I would always joke with my parents and James' parents about getting pregnant right away after Jericho was born. I guess the joke was on me when I got pregnant when Jericho was nine months old. We decided to tell our parents the night we flew in from Hawaii. We stopped by James' parents house first. They were shocked. They always warned us to wait between kids because of how hard it is to have babies so close together. Of course they were happy but we could tell they were thinking..."what are you guys thinking??" They are always so supportive of us and they told us they were happy, but we could see the fear in their eyes too:)

Next, we went to my parents house. It was just past midnight and their only grandchild was coming to see them so of course they were awake. We had Jericho tell them he was going to be a big brother while wearing his Halloween costume....a kangaroo with it's baby in it's pouch. We told them that he was carrying his baby just like mommy was. My mom's reaction was so classic, my mom. "Are you serious??" was all she could say. Then the obvious question, "are you pregnant?? Are you kidding??" We would laugh about it afterwards, but even our planning, or lack of planning, wasn't going to stop God's plans.

Karis was the girl I always wanted. I was thrilled when I found out she was a girl. Since I had such a close bond to my mom, I always envisioned having s daughter in hopes that we would share a closeness like I did with my mom.

God knew that I needed Karis. His timing was perfect for when I got pregnant. Mom was able to meet her. My mom called Karis her replacement, and my mom got to spend the first year of Karis' life with her. Mom was there a few hours after Karis was born. In between her chemos she would come and visit us in San Diego or we would come up and visit her. We got to move back to Pasadena for seven months before mom had to go and we spent EVERY possible second we could together. We went on trips to Santa Barbara, San Diego, and Las Vegas during those seven months. And mom was there celebrating with us the day that Karis was dedicated to the Lord. All the while, that entire year of Karis' first year of life, my mom had cancer. She went through chemotherapy, radiation, surgery, and then chemotherapy for almost ten more months after all of what she already endured. And then went to be home with the Lord almost a month exactly after Karis' fist birthday.

I've heard the quote, "Everybody dies. Not everybody lives." And I am reminded of my mom when I think about this quote. Though my mom had cancer, you would have NEVER known. She was so positive. She was so hopeful. She watched my kids the night before she went to the hospital so James and I could have a date night. She didn't allow cancer to take away her life.

No wonder I was missing my mom so much more tonight. The last time we came back from Hawaii, we went to share with my mom the amazing news. It's really ironic how our memories have such ways of reminding us about things that sometimes we want to forget. On the flight home, during one of the movies I watched someone said, "All I remember are the good memories, and those are the worse kinds."

I still can't believe she's gone. I miss her every second of the day. They say time heals all wounds. It’s going to take a lot of time to heal this wound, but God is so incredibly faithful. “He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds.” - Psalm 147:3

Thank you, Jesus for your promises. I will trust you no matter what.

My Drug of Choice

This morning was a complete blur. You would have thought that I was drugged with the illegal type. Last night I started getting the sniffles. The kind that doesn't let you breathe properly when lying down. I decided that I wasn't going to go to sleep at my normal sleeping hour, around 1 or 2am. For one night this week, or should I say one night since February 22, 2010, I was going to take medicine to help me sleep, and not replay in my mind over and over what could be different, if my mom was still here, and what could've been done so that she didn't have to have cancer. I know I sound crazy, but for the last 19 months, I've had a hard time going to sleep because of my thoughts that don't turn off.

All this to say, all heck broke loose, my kids were screaming their heads off and going crazy for an hour before I had any recollection of the fact that I am mom. When mommy is sick, the world continues. Moms have no time to be sick. Thank God, my cousin was here and watched dinosaur train and gave Jericho milk so that I could stay in my unconscious splendor for another hour. I finally woke up at 8:30 because the screaming alarm clock wouldn't stop. I got out of bed, still lost in the cloudiness of Tylenol PM and carried my sweet Karis and placed her in my lap. My cousin walked into Karis’ room and explained the past hour to me. I'm sure I looked crazy...out of it. He asked me what drugs I took...I responded slowly, "T-y-l-e-n-o-l P-M." I was out of it. Really out of it. I couldn't even imagine myself on the illegal drugs. SCARY. And I thank God for keeping me away from them in high school. Many, many years ago I had some friends that had the goal of getting me get into it with them. I know that with my type of personality, if I would have given in, it really would have destroyed my life.

Yesterday was the first day of MOPS. I can't say enough about MOPS, and what an amazing blessing it has been to me this past year. The speaker talked about faithfulness and asked us to think about what was hindering us from being faithful.

A culmination of different conversations, a recent argument with the hubby, exhaustion, and sleepless nights came together and confirmed: BUSYNESS.

I have always been a busy person. For those of you who know strengthfinders my number one strength is arranger. In layman’s terms it means multi-tasker and living passionately and striving when being able to live this way.

I don't know why this surprised me. Or why it took me ALL these years to accept. In high school I was involved in everything possible ASB, cheerleading, choir, clubs I was president of, because God forbid I couldn't just be a part of something. Committees, fundraisers, oh dear God it makes me tired just typing this. In college I was a Nursing Major. Nursing majors had the reputation of being the people you went to school with for four years and no one knew because they were always so busy studying. But to no surprise I was in choir, a resident advisor, and I prided myself when people were surprised that I was a nursing major.

This "strength" has always driven my husband crazy. The detriment of this strength for me is that when things get hard, I delve even more into busyness. Busyness is my drug of choice. The thing that numbs the pain and helps me to forget what I don't want to remember, until the night comes, everyone is asleep, and the only person I am left with is myself. Which is why, even though my children sleep so amazingly, 10-12 hours to be exact, since Karis has been a baby, I still have sleepless nights.

The day my mom died I told James, "It's time for me to go back to work." Right away I contacted my previous company and told them that I was ready. I was ready to take on new projects. I started emailing around inquiring about jobs that I heard about. Retrospectively, I was looking for something to fill the void and numb away the pain of losing my mom.

A few weeks ago the routine of September began. Mommy and me preschool Monday and Tuesday, MOPS (and being a part of leadership) on Wednesday, Positive Parenting Class on Thursday, Bible study with two of my best friends at the crack of dawn on Friday morning. We are scheduled every single day, not to mention taking care of my children, feeding them a decent meal, getting a couple of showers in sometime during the week, the normal taking care of my family and my own life, having a decent relationship with my husband, and taking care of my mom’s affairs. I was beginning to feel a little run down. Did I mention that I'm a part of the women’s ministry at church, and working on starting a new ministry? No wonder I'm exhausted.

Yesterday I started to accept the fact that my busyness, my lifelong coping mechanism, was starting to wear on me and my kids AND my husband.

This morning we stayed home. I didn't rush out the door to our scheduled activity. The kids and I stayed in our PJs until after 1pm. I was able to have a phone conversation with a dear friend who has been encouraging me in my marriage and with my blogging. I got to tell her how thankful I am that we were able to become friends because she sought me out because I "wear make-up."

I had a great conversation with my aunt who I needed to talk to about my mom. We talked about how it still doesn't seem real even though it has already been two months and we were there with her when she took her last breath. We talked about how much we miss her and how I wish things were different.

At 10:30am, my sister, who is a teacher, called me. She was on her way home from school. She lost her voice. I convinced her to come sleep at my house, so that we could be together.

If I continued to succumb to my drug of choice, even though my kids are sick and exhausted, I would've missed out on two very needed conversations this morning. My sister wouldn't have come over to sleep at my house, and I would continue to be crazy and busy and numb to the pain of not having my mom's presence in my life.

One day of being home with my thoughts, my messy house (because we are actually home to ransack it), and the ability to rest, has helped my soul to continue to mend and be present in my children's lives, and to those around me.

So starting today I will be more purposeful, in what I choose to do and choose not to do, and know that it will take time. It will take lots of time to heal from missing my mom so much, but it is ok. I will try to not fill the sadness with busyness anymore. I know it will take time to overcome this addiction of busyness. But through God’s help, and the grace of those around me, I will get through this.

How to Live with Cancer

If I’m being completely honest, I want to rip down every Colon Canswer, Prostate Canswer, and Breast Canswer billboard I see when I’m driving down the freeway. The truth is that the particular hospital that displays these billboards does not have all of the answers about cancer. I cringe every time I see them because they give such false hope to people battling this horrid disease. Two and a half weeks before my mom died, she had an appointment for a second opinion with this hospital. The doctor she met with told her that she could try the last chemo that she was on and all he could recommend was hospice.

I was there with my mom during that appointment, and her response was, “We just have to pray that this one works.” I was speechless. I felt like I got kicked in the throat. I could not get any words out of my mouth.

You see, through the 17 months that my mom knew she had cancer; she lived with so much grace and courage. To this day I do not understand how she never broke down or got angry. Maybe she did in the quiet of her own soul, but never outwardly did I see her anger.

Since the minute she was diagnosed her response was always the same. “I’m not scared. I know where I am going. He can take me any time.”

I hated when she said that because I WAS NOT READY. Didn’t she want to see my kids grow up? Didn’t she want to be with us for as long as she could? We were just starting a brand new phase in life. We just moved back from San Diego so that the kids and I could spend time doing all of the things that daughters and grandchildren do with their mom and grandmother.

The thing about my mom is that she had an eternal perspective. God was close to her, she never stopped praying. And even though I prayed and BEGGED for God to heal her, He decided to heal her in a different way.

My mom’s faith was secure. She did not have any regrets in life. She was steadfast in her hope in the Lord. She had peace. She loved God. And she was ready to be with Him when He was ready for her.

Unfortunately, He was ready before I could ever be.

God forbid I ever have this horrible disease. But if I do, I have an amazing example of someone who lived with grace, love, and hope during the hardest time of her life.

Thank you, mom for loving God and trusting Him with your life. I have a lot to live up to.